Episode 2: Singing Your Lungs Out For Science
In the last episode of “All My Clones,“ a Prada-wearing investment banker, Odessa P., was hoping to finish up an IPO before the management team brought the value even lower. Meanwhile, a few blocks away ...
The sheep ambled along the walls in bas-relief, but Rupert Madasheck was too preoccupied to notice. He strode through the crowds of Grand Central Station without acknowledging any of the decorative art. Where was Frida? The chief fundraiser for Cappuccino Pharmaceuticals had mysteriously disappeared several days earlier, failing to show up at a lunch meeting with Rupert.
Cappuccino was in trouble as usual, with funding the constant problem. Not so long ago, it had seemed a great idea, thriving by licensing in other companies' drugs in Phase II. How could they lose?
One way would be for the funds of a tight budget to go toward “administrative expenses“ rather than research. But hey, a company stands or falls by its press releases, so surely they were worth the high expense. Makkemup & Spewem seemed like the perfect media production team, with a recommendation straight from Betty Lidalot, chair of Cap's board of directors.
Rupert dodged the panhandlers and buskers on his way to the elevators to the Candybar Building, home to many virtual companies. Would there be any word from Frida? Up on the 14th floor, he flung the door open — and there stood Betty in a dark green velvet Carolina Herrera gown as if ready for the opera. I will not stare, I will not stare, I will ... Rupert ran the mantra through his mind to ward off his increasing heartbeat. Not at all the sort of thoughts to have about your COB.
Oh, yes, next to Betty was a handsome young man in the standard silk Ermenegildo Zegna suit required of those who wanted to appear to be part of the Inner Circle. The image of actor Adrien Brody, striding down the catwalk making the suit look way cool, resonated with this crowd.
“Ah, here he is at last,“ purred Betty. “Rupert, this is Skindeep Varpa.“
Varpa, Varpa ... Ah, yes! Rupert recalled the headline from BioWorld that claimed VarpaWare could rip reluctant conclusions out of recalcitrant clinical data.
Pending the attainment of the $3 full-genome analysis, VarpaWare supposedly could determine once and for all which human haplotypes respond to your drug, which fail to respond and which would suffer adverse reactions. Varpa claimed to perform this feat of calculatory strength not from sequence data or test results, but from the raw data of the instrumentation. No one was entirely sure what he meant by that, but to date, no one was willing to challenge him publicly.
Skindeep Varpa and his software promised to sidestep years of pharmacogenomic development time predicted by Dr. “Thin“ Ken Brane of the NIH, in search of clinical correlations for gene variants. “As you know,“ drawled Varpa, “the comparative sequence analysis project will take years of painful research. Unfortunately it is run by academicians for whom more study is needed' is the only constant.
“Yes,“ Skindeep went on, “we are able to start with entire clinical datasets and do a Mipcass on it. That will clearly define and bin your responder populations.“ Who knows, thought Rupert, maybe this VarpaWare could save Cappuccino a ton of money by changing the entire landscape of clinical trials. And what the heck was a Mipcass?
Or cost a bundle while defrauding the company.
And what the heck was a Mipcass?
“Well, I must be off to the Met,“ sighed Betty as if this were a chore rather than a good excuse to schmooze in a gorgeous outfit. “I must do my part' by ushering in another world premiere. I hope it isn't too, too dreadful,“ she sulked. “Some new composer like Earthtone Dirt.“
“Tan Dun?“ ventured Rupert.
“Ah, yes!“ she brightened. “You know all these things. What a clever boy! Well, ta-ta!“ And with that, she and her green velvet train whisked out of the office. Rupert realized that he had not mentioned Frida's disappearance.
Three hours later, Rupert was able to wrap up the amazing and incoherent monologue with Skindeep. All he understood was that Skindeep intended to “work the stuff“ and generate a demo of VarpaWare's astounding technology.
Rupert's pocket had buzzed several times during the entire ordeal. He found numerous BettyGrams instructing him to look into this potential backer, that possible IP ripe for licensing and so on. The last one instructed him to, “Meet me at Playwright at 11.“
Just past midnight, Rupert slid into the Playwright Bar and snagged his favorite stool. Two minutes later, Betty floated in, to the intense delight of the patrons. Almost unnoticed was a bespectacled man in her wake. Damn! Rupert thought. Another competitor already? Or am I just being a crass jerk?
“Yes, you are,“ announced the stranger.
“Whu-ut?“ Rupert sputtered, shocked quite awake.
“Rupert, this is Yehud Shuar of Crockogin,“ purred Betty. “You recall I mentioned him flying in from Tel Aviv as a ...“ The rest was drowned out in a crashing wave of theater goers rolling into the bar.
Yehud was in — you guessed it — a silk Zegna suit. Were they being sold for $5 on the sidewalk along with Rolexes these days? “Zegnas! Check 'em out!“ he could hear the street hawkers shout.
Rupert did not pay attention since he needed to rush to the Princeton Club for his pitch to the latest batch of potential investors. He wasn't sure if there were any checkbooks to be found there, but it was worth the attempt. Why did the really serious shows have to start after midnight?
Stayed tuned for a future exciting episode to find out:
- Can VarpaWare actually deliver?
- What happened to Frida?
- Who is this guy from Crockogin, and why do these men keep showing up in Betty's company? Is it the Italian suit?
- What the heck is a Mipcass?
- What goes on at the Princeton Club after midnight anyway?
Tune in next month for more “All My Clones“!
Have a great story that really does belong in a soap opera? Send it to bioperspectives@bioworld.com. All entries will be treated with full confidentiality, though we reserve the right to laugh hysterically over them in the newsroom.
Published: June 28, 2007